


Scars

by LostCauses (Anteros)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 18:05:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5385278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anteros/pseuds/LostCauses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All those years he’s followed Erwin like a shadow, been by his side, his right hand man, and he wasn’t fucking there when his luck finally ran out and the titan had him in his jaws. </p><p>Levi and Hanji are confronted by loss following the attack on Castle Utgard and subsequent events.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be about Levi and Erwin, but turned out it was really about Hanji and Mike.

Levi has been pacing the corridor for two hours straight, struggling to keep a lid on the fear and the anger and the cold realisation that this could be it, this could be fucking it. Erwin could be bleeding out on the surgeon’s table and there is fuck all he can do about it. 

He hadn’t been there. 

_He hadn’t even been there._

All those years he’s followed Erwin like a shadow, been by his side, his right hand man, and he wasn’t fucking there when his luck finally ran out and the titan had him in his jaws. Levi still doesn’t know precisely what happened, but he knows with unquestionable certainty that if he’d been there, he would have saved Erwin. That’s what Levi does after all. Kills titans and saves dumb ass recruits from becoming titan chow. What’s the point in being Humanity’s Strongest Soldier if he can’t be there to save Erwin? 

Well, he might not have been able to save him on the battlefield, but he will sure as hell do everything in his power to save him now. He will be there every second of every fucking day, watching every move the medics make until Erwin is back on his feet and dreaming up the next dumbass plan to save humanity and get himself killed in the process. But next time, _next time_ , Levi will make damn sure he’s there to keep him out of harm's way. 

Levi is so caught up in his own anger that he has given no thought to the reality of Erwin’s condition until he barges past the medic who finally emerges to tell him that they have succeeded in stopping the bleeding but that the Commander is still heavily sedated and needs to rest. He is so caught up in his own selfish fury that he is completely unprepared for the sight that confronts him when he marches into the room, and it stops him dead in his tracks. Erwin is lying unconscious on the bed, his face waxy and pale from blood loss, a vicious red graze discolouring one cheek, livid against his deathly pallor. Only the faintest rise and fall of his chest betrays the fact that, against the odds, is still living and breathing. 

Levi’s eyes travel down from Erwin’s face to where his left hand is lying motionless on the bed cover, palm upturned. But where his right should be there is nothing, Erwin’s arm ends in a neatly bandaged stump just below his shoulder. Levi already knew he had lost his arm of course, but he is completely unprepared for its absence and, irrationally, all he can think of is that it was the hand with the scar. The scar made by Levi’s blade when Erwin had gripped it in his bare hand and pulled it away from his throat as he knelt in the mud and the gore on that awful bloody day a lifetime ago. That was _his_ scar; it was the mark of Erwin’s trust in Levi. How many nights had Levi traced the line of that scar as he lay still and spent beside Erwin? How often had he felt the faint ridge of it trailing over his body? But now it was gone and it was as if part of his life with Erwin had been torn away. 

Levi exhales a long unsteady breath, his head is swimming, he feels sick and suddenly he’s desperate to get away. He staggers from the room, slamming the door behind him. Erwin doesn’t blink, doesn’t wake. He hears nothing. 

Outside in the corridor Levi stands with his forehead pressed against the cool wall, praying that the awful wave of nausea will subside. And it does, only to be replaced again by the familiar blinding, helpless rage. 

“Levi?” 

He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns to find himself face to face with Hanji, brow furrowed in concern. 

“Levi? Are you all right? Is…is Erwin…? They told me he was stable, I came right away.”

Before he’s aware he’s even moving Levi launches himself at Hanji, pining them against the wall, one hand fisting in their cloak. 

“What the fuck happened Hanji? How could you let this happen to him? Where the _fuck_ were you? Why didn’t you stop him?”

“I…I’m sorry Levi, I was injured...I couldn’t… by the time…”

Levi cuts them off, fist still twisting in their cloak. 

“Well, where the fuck was Mike? Where _is_ Mike?” Levi looks around as if he half expects Mike to materialise out of nowhere, as he generally has a habit of doing. 

The colour drains from Hanji’s face and they go limp in Levi’s grip. 

“Mike’s dead, Levi. Nanaba and Gelgar too.”

Levi stares into their face for a moment before releasing his grip and staggering backwards. Hanji crumples against the wall. 

“What happened?” It’s not an accusation this time. Levi’s voice sounds thick and strained to his ears. 

“Castle Utgard. Nanaba died fighting off the attack on the tower. Gelgar was with her till the end. Some of the kids from the 104th were there and they didn’t have any gear, they couldn’t fight back…”

Hanji trails off and shrugs apologetically as if, somehow, it’s all their fault. 

“Shit.” 

Levi can’t think of anything else to say, but Hanji keeps talking. 

“We all know what we signed up for Levi. We know and they did too. They died saving those kids and, because of them, we’ve still got Eren and Historia. And we’ve still got Erwin. And as long as we’ve got them, we’ve still got hope. Erwin’s not done fighting yet, not by a long chalk.” 

Levi nods uncertainly, he can’t quite process her words but he is dimly aware that Hanji is trying to comfort him.

“And Mike?” 

Hanji hasn’t mentioned Mike, and Levi finds he is compelled to ask, though he really, really, doesn’t want to hear the answer. 

Hanji stares at him for a long moment, eyes wide, before dropping their gaze to the floor.

“Umm, I…I don’t know. No one knows for sure. He went off on his own to lead the titans away from his squad, so no one saw what happened. We found what was left of his horse and a few remains but there wasn’t much…”

Hanji’s voice is starting to hitch and when they look up Levi sees something desperate and broken in their eyes.

“He was alone. There was no one with him. Levi… ” 

And then Hanji, crazy, garrulous Hanji, who will never just shut the fuck up, falls silent. They cover their mouth with their hand, and stare at Levi, tears streaking down their cheeks, shoulders shaking. And that’s what does it for Levi. He knows how close Hanji was to Mike, fuck, they all were, and yet here they are, trying to comfort him and offer him hope. Levi has no clue what to say in the face of such awful raw pain so he steps forward and wraps his arms around Hanji, pulling them into a fierce tight embrace, as if the sheer force of his will can contain their grief. Levi feels the weight of Hanji’s loss settle into his bones as their silent tears soak into his shirt. They shudder in his arms, wracked by wordless grief and he holds them tight until finally the tears subside and they find their voice again. 

“Fuck, sorry Levi, you don’t need this right now. I’m sorry.” 

“Tch. Don’t give me that crap.” Levi loosens his embrace but keeps one arm tight around Hanji’s shoulder. “Come on, lets go see Erwin. He looks like shit but at least he’s alive.”


End file.
